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I love talking about communication. It has fascinated me for years, largely because I cherish feeling connected to people. To foster meaningful connections, I had to learn how to communicate effectively. Connection is one of my core values, and communication is the bridge that makes it possible.
Through my exploration of communication, I have been both astonished and inspired—astonished by how complex it truly is and inspired by its inherent power to reveal truth.
Let’s begin with a brief look at the communication process.
Imagine two individuals: Person A and Person B. Person A needs to convey a message to Person B. Subconsciously, they encode this message through personal filters—beliefs, values, experiences, and memories. Person B, in turn, deciphers the message using their own unique filters. Given that no two people share identical filters, the message is rarely understood in its purest form.
What surprised me the most was realizing that the responsibility for clear communication rests with the sender. It is up to Person A to express their message in a way that Person B can understand, taking their filters into account. Strange, isn’t it? The next time someone misinterprets what you’ve said or gets something wrong, remember—it’s your responsibility to adapt your communication so that they can grasp your intended meaning.
The Element of Truth
To communicate effectively with others, we must first learn to communicate with ourselves. This concept initially baffled me. I had never considered that self-communication was necessary, let alone how to do it.
We live in a world where expressing emotions is often discouraged. We’re taught not to laugh too loudly, cry for too long, or even cry at all. Society tells us to control our emotions. As adults, when we experience sadness, we’re often encouraged to suppress it—sometimes with medication.
We are rarely taught to truly listen to ourselves. We are not encouraged to acknowledge and process our emotions. Yet, self-communication involves pausing to listen—to our thoughts, emotions, and even our bodies. Think about how easy it is to become absorbed in work, only to realize hours later that you’re hungry.
Understanding ourselves leads to more effective communication with others because we gain awareness of our own filters. This, in turn, helps us appreciate and respect the filters of those around us.
Ways to Enhance Self-Communication:
- Meditation
- Taking a long, relaxing bath
- Going for a mindful walk
- Journaling your thoughts
- Treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a best friend
Principles for Effective Listening:
- Pay attention. Be present in the moment.
- Do not interrupt. Allow the speaker to fully express themselves. Observe their body language and tone, and remove distractions if necessary. Stop talking and prepare to listen actively.
- Empathize. Try to understand the message from the speaker’s perspective. Expressing thoughts and emotions isn’t always easy, so be patient.
- Acknowledge emotions. Be mindful of the speaker’s feelings. If you are uncertain about their emotions, wait for them to finish speaking and then ask for clarification.
- Clarify the message. Ask the speaker what is most important about their message and what they expect from you.
- Paraphrase for understanding. Once they have finished speaking, repeat what you understood in your own words to ensure accuracy.
- Remain objective. Do not take messages personally. Focus on understanding rather than reacting emotionally.
Principles of Negotiation:
- Separate the person from the problem. Avoid absolute language like “never” and “always.” Instead, express how you feel.
- Choose the right timing. If your partner is exhausted after work, they may not be receptive to discussion. Wait for an appropriate moment.
- Define the issue. Clearly identify what needs to be resolved.
- Focus on common interests. Remind yourself of shared goals and mutual benefits.
- Explore multiple solutions. There is rarely a single perfect answer. Generate a range of possibilities to find the best option.
- Agree on the best temporary solution. Choose a course of action that works for the present moment.
- Re-evaluate. Check in later to ensure that the resolution is effective and, if necessary, renegotiate.
Written by:
Anerene Rossouw
www.ar-lifecoach.co.za